apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
