Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
