New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
