C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
