so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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