Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he was CRYING into my vagina
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
