Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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