I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
