So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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