there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
