I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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