I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
