Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
