I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
