Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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