You made me cry and you don't even care
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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