last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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