i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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