when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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