I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
