So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Welp...herpes.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
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