watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
