Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
