Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
