I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
