Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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