It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
