I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
