I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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