sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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