Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
