Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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