If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
