We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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