It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
