I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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