That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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