i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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