Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
