i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
