Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want a musical about memes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
