Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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