Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
