I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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