you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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