Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
