She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
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they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
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If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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