got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
