Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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