wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
