Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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