I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You have to summon your inner elephant
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
