At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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