Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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