I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
