I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
