Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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