I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
