don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
