I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
no more duck duck goose at the bar
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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